Rough Handling, alt title: Carry On Mercenary!
by Bugsie70
Summary: Yet another fill for a Mass Kink prompt.  This time Zaeed teaches Doctor Chakwas about traditional British innuendo, her attentive listening skills are rewarded with a special mercenary stress reliever - story from Chakwas's POV.
1. An unexpected patient

**This is fill for a Chakwas/Zaeed pairing masskink prompt on Live Journal. It contains smut, but a classy British kind of smut. So enjoy.**

**Oh and the characters belong to Bioware, the smut is my own.**

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Take me back to dear old Blighty!  
Put me on the train for London town!  
Take me over there,  
Drop me ANYWHERE,  
Liverpool, Leeds, or Birmingham, well, I don't care!

Dr Chakwas was standing in the Normandy medical bay thumbing through the last of the previous days reports when she realised the time, it was almost 4.45 am.

"Thank bloody hell!" she exclaimed loudly and threw the data pad across a nearby desk top.

Talking to herself had become common place since she joined Cerberus. Medical care appeared to be a lowly priority here, regularly leaving her with few staff and little companionship. Unless you could include the constant stream of petty medical issues when the crew was in down time as something remotely like socialising, which she didn't, there was very little currently keeping her from the throes of boredom.

She rubbed her neck. God what she wouldn't give to have someone's strong hands rubbing her aching muscles. She missed the cheap and cheerful Chinese massage houses of London from her student days, a few lowly credits would ensure some impoverished immigrant would give her neck and shoulders exactly the kind of firm massage she craved, fully clothed of course, as was the style, but immensely pleasurable all the same. But it had been a long time she'd been on Earth, and too long a time since anyone had given her anything she craved.

She stared at the bottle of Serrice iced brandy tucked behind a monitor. "Bugger this" she said, and grabbed the now quarter full bottle, sat herself down on a chair, and poured herself a glass, a very, very, large glass.

The alcohol, dripping velvety rivulets down her parched throat, sent a shiver down her spine. She rubbed at her neck again, closed her eyes and dreamt of Changpu, the man who had been the most talented of masseuses. He was from Wuhan; he had rough workman's hands that assaulted the pain in her body with exceptional skill. He once told her his name meant 'forever simple'. She laughed at the memory, that's exactly how she liked her men, rough and simple.

Her reverie was broken by the sound of an opening door. Damn! Who the hell is this...she slammed her glass on the desk and swivelled her chair around. But rather than respond to the intruder with anger, her voice was edged with surprise.

"Mr Massani?"

"Hi Doc, sorry to bother you..."

Her surprise at seeing him was to be expected, he never came to the med bay unless the Commander ordered him.

"What can I do for you Mr Massani?" her words came out unintentionally slurred and just a tad seductive sounding. She hoped it would sound more like fatigue than slight drunkenness. He gave her a sly grin before continuing.

"That bloody teenage krogan, he came down to have a chat, wanted me to talk through old time, past missions, old battles. He got overly excited and almost dislocated my arm from the socket. Thought I could tough it out but...I haven't been able to sleep and if I don't do something I don't think I'll sleep easy tomorrow night either. Can you give me something for the pain Doc?"

"Mr Massani, I can't just dole out drugs without assessing the damage first," she sighed, once, just once, couldn't it be simple? She couldn't just hand the drugs over and let it pass; she wouldn't let her professionalism slip, no matter how tipsy, tired or annoyed she felt. However, there were certain advantages...she looked Zaeed up and down, it wasn't always bad. She always enjoyed playing doctor to some of the male soldiers on board, and she put this grizzled old mercenary on that list, he had a nice body and even though she'd had limited exposure to him she liked him.

A wide grin emerged on her face. "Now, take your shirt off!" she ordered.

"Doc, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you were coming on to me with that sort of talk." Zaeed cheekily replied and returned her drunken grin.

She let out a loud snort and guffaw "My interest in you is purely professional Mr Massini."

"Professional hey? I've had lots of 'professional' relationships in my time Doc." He mimicked her snort.

"I suspect the kind of professional relationships you are referring to are not ones I am familiar with." She tried to stifle a laugh but it didn't work, it came out loud and raucous. "Bed, now." She said, and pointed to the closest med bay bunk.

"Who am I to argue with someone so eloquent, yet who also has the dirtiest laugh since Sid James." He moved to the bed removing pieces of his armour as he went.

She looked confused, "Sid James?"

"Oh c'mon Doc, you're English, you can't tell me you don't know who Sid James is? You know, the Carry On movies from Earth? I'm sure in every elementary school from London to Dorchester it was required viewing." He raised the eyebrow over his good eye.

She shook her head "Sorry no idea." It was true she didn't. She'd grown up in Tonbridge, Kent, moved to London to attend medical school, but her relatively sheltered upbringing meant she rarely saw things her parents had considered crass. Even in her wild student days that particular part of English culture had somehow side stepped her.

She began to examine his shoulder. He'd lived a hard life, she marvelled at the scars on his back, old bullet wounds, numerous scratches, what looked like a cut from a sharp knife, but his muscles were firm, very firm, oh god they were so so firm. She closed her eyes and thoughts of Changpu returned. Oh Changpu how I miss your firm hands!

She opened her eyes, and in sauciest voice said, "Mr Massani, tell me more about Sid James and his dirty laugh..."

"Well Doc, do you really want me to tell you more? I mean I could go on for hours about the Carry On films, for example Carry On Camping embodied everything that a good Carry On film should have - nudist camps, a finishing school for girls and of course Sid James. But perhaps all you need to know is that the films coincided with the British sexual revolution...a time when the English gentry became fascinated with all things Cockney..." he followed this fact with a roguish wink, "and of course during twentieth century England, London in the sixties was a swinging place, mind you it still is, even 200 years later. Of course it's..." he emitted a low and obviously painful grunt as she pulled his arm upwards. "Bloody hell woman what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

"Mr Massani please, I am trying to determine if the issue with your arm and shoulder is due to something more than a strained muscle. I thought you would be used to worse than this, considering the life you've lead, I'm not trying to torture you. But please do continue your discourse on English media and social history..." her tone was accompanied by a mischievous grin.

"I think you're enjoying this Doc. Seeing an old merc giving in to pain." He winced as she rotated his arm in the socket, lifting his elbow to the side.

"Yes maybe I am, but that's what happens when you walk in at the end of my shift." she laughed, conscious now that it was decidedly saucy sounding. "I have good news, it appears that it's just muscular, nothing too serious, a few physiotherapy sessions, some medigel and you'll be fine." She gave him her best Doctors reassuring smile.

"Physiotherapy? You mean massage?" He tilted his head.

"Of sorts yes." She nodded.

"From you?" He gave her a questioning look.

"Ahhh, well, I am a trained professional, I could do it, yes." She smiled curiously at him not sure where this was headed.

"I like my massages very firm." He moved to replace his shirt that had been under his armour. She couldn't help but stare at his chest as he did. Her head had begun to spin a little; the alcohol still coursing through her veins was making her forget where she was.

"Yes, well, myself, I like it hard..firm." Her eyes were still fixated on Zaeed's torso, not realising the innuendo behind her words and feeling only disappointment as his body was being slowly covered by clothing.

"Hard?" His voice was playful as he noticed the direction of her gaze.

"Oh yes and vigorous." She said naively. But then she felt her face flush crimson, it suddenly dawned on her how bawdy her words sounded.

"Vigorous hey?" with this he took a step closer to her so that he was well within her personal space, "Doc, I noticed you keep rubbing your neck, it looks  
like you're in _need_ of a firm hand yourself...perhaps I can..., here turn around." he motioned for her to turn.

"Ummm…. oh…Ahhh okay..." she felt his hands move to the top of her tunic, releasing the clasp from the formfitting collar. His hands were now on her bare skin, and she quivered slightly as they slid to the back of her neck. They were as she expected, course, calloused, _rough_.


	2. Carry On in the med bay

_I should love to see my best girl,  
Cuddling up again we soon should be,  
WHOA!_

An unintentional moan escaped as his fingers pressed into the small muscles either side of her spine.

"I take it that you're appreciating this Doc..." he stated.

"mmmm..." was all she could muster in response. She melted into the touch of his hand, in her eyes nothing could ever replace the sensation of skin on skin when it came to massage.

After a few minutes of Zaeed's hands kneading her tight neck muscles, she gradually became aware of his body gently moving against her back, pushing her thighs into the med bay bunk. The sensation was arousing to say the least.

Zaeed moved his hands from her neck and snaked them around her torso, he whispered in her ear, "Doc, if you like, maybe I can demonstrate some other skills I have..." she felt a twinge in her sex at his remark, his voice had a low gravelly quality that made her shut her eyes in glorious anticipation of what was to follow.

She laughed loudly, grabbed his hand and squeezed it in acknowledgement. She glanced at the time. "Right now Mr Massani, I am officially off my shift, and if you want to continue enlightening me on your…ahem….skill set, or even continue your oration on...on...well...on any topic of your choosing I am available for the next 8 hours..."

Zaeed's hands moved to underneath her tunic top raking his hands across her stomach. He gently pushed her forward and she could feel his growing bulge against her lower back. His hands moved swiftly to the top of her pants and he tugged at the waistband. He released his grasp from her waist, but she remained bent over the bunk, she sensed movement from behind as he knelt. He moved his hands to yank her pants and underwear unceremoniously down around her knees; her bottom now fully exposed to him.

"Just lovely!" He exclaimed, "you have the most sumptuous Khyber Pass Doc..."

"Khyber Pass?" she turned to look at him confused.

"Cockney rhyming slang Doc, I'm saying you have a splendid arse. Most impressive." he gave her a playful slap, "sounds like there's much I can enlighten you on."

"Mr Massani, I don't think I'll have much use for Cockney rhyming in my..." but before she could finish, Zaeed had spread her cheeks wide and licked the length of her slit. She gave a sharp intake of breath at the texture of his tongue against the most sensitive of her surfaces.

"You also have the most alluring of sideways smiles." he moved his tongue back into position continuing to trace her lips, gently moving the soft folds aside, delving deeper into her interior. She began to moan softly as each dip of his tongue felt like a feather brushing against her. Her top half was now stretched out over the bunk and squashed against the bunks thin mattress, she wished she could be completely naked, but it seemed out of place, despite what Zaeed was currently doing to her.

When he reached her clit she squirmed and moaned louder, she reached out to grasp the edge of the bunk. He gripped the pliable flesh of her behind with his abrasive hands, moving slowly in deliberate circles, squeezing and caressing.

Slowly, his tongue and hands became more aggressive in their movements. His tongue moved against her clit like he was a cat lapping at cream, she shuddered and trembled gyrating against his mouth. His hands pinched and gently slapped her bottom, just enough that it acted to increase her enjoyment, not diminish it. She felt the desire radiating upwards and on the verge of orgasm all she want now was for him to fuck her like she'd never been fucked before. The thought of this alone was enough to tip her over the edge; she cried out as the orgasm washed waves of pleasure over her.

"Oh Mr Massani, you magnificent, magnificent bastard…." her hands, still attached to the edge of the bunk, lessened their grip, and she turned her head to look at him as he stood.

His mouth was curled into a half smile and he licked his lips. He moved his hand down towards his crotch, her eyes widened as he released his now swollen cock from its tight enclosure.

She tried to turn to face him but his hand moved to her back keeping her pinned in position.

"uh uh Doc, stay where you are, I want to look at your lovely arse while I serve some crispy duck. You like Chinese yes?" His smile was too wicked to be taken seriously.

"Chinese?" her thoughts turned to Changpu again, but then it dawned on her, crispy duck – fuck, ahhh yes there was a lot she had yet to learn.

She laughed that dirty laugh that he seemed to like so much and responded, "I love Chinese Mr Massani, in fact I suspect you really have no idea exactly _how_ much I love the crispy duck…"

She could feel him rubbing the tip of his cock against her, teasingly up and down, sliding against her wetness. She gripped the edge of the bunk again in apprehension. He entered her tortuously slowly, she could feel herself fold around him as he moved deeper and deeper until he was as far in as he could go. Then he began to move at leisurely pace, in and out, she moaned softly at how full she felt.

Zaeed's hand moved to her neck, his hand latching on to the muscles, his fingers once again squeezing them forcefully into submission. The warmth that spread through her body as he did this, along with the gentle insertion of his rock hard erection, created a wonderfully blissful feeling, to the point where she felt herself almost go limp. If it wasn't for the odd spirited smack of her behind she could easily believe that she was drifting on a completely different plane of existence.

She leaned back, reaching her hand towards Zaeed's torso; he grabbed it, placing it firmly on her bottom, his own rough-skinned hand covering her small soft one. He increased his tempo, thrusting harder and deeper, her moans became more strident and the sound of flesh on flesh reverberated through the med bay. She took in the sound of Zaeed's breath, he was issuing only a quiet, almost subdued grunting, so unlike she expected him to be. She looked back at him again, he was so focussed on his task he didn't notice her watching him.

Again she felt her orgasm approach, his thrusts were becoming so furious she felt like she was being skewered, but in the most agreeable of ways. He gave her one more playful slap and she tumbled into the abyss. His own release followed closely behind hers, but not before a clattering of metal trays could be heard coming from the mess.

In contrast to Zaeed's previously restrained grunts, when he came, his voice was thunderously loud. She felt the sound of his low rumble vibrating in her chest and he half collapsed on top of her. They remained still for a few minutes until Zaeed spoke.

"Do you think Rupert heard us Doc?" his breath was ragged but impish in tone.

"There is no doubt in my mind that he did Mr Massani." She laughed.


	3. Sweet British fruit

They quickly separated, she pulled her underwear and pants up, he tucked himself back in and whilst doing her tunic top up she turned to face him. He cupped her face in his hand and kissed her, moving his tongue gently to entwine with hers before releasing her.

"mmmm Doc, not what I originally thought." He moved his hand back to stroke his chin.

"Originally thought?" yet again she gave him a perplexed look.

"Half an hour ago, if I had kissed you, I would have expected to find a lump of cold hard butter…." His eyes were teasing.

"And what did you find instead Mr Massani?" she gave him a light-hearted jab in the ribs.

"I found the most delicious and delectable of plums." He licked his lips, "makes me want to come back for more."

She found a slight heat returning to her cheeks and she responded. "I take it you like my accent and diction then Mr Massani?"

"I like your dirty laugh more, and call me Zaeed Doc; I think we've passed the need for formalities. I suggest we start physiotherapy immediately, in 15 minutes perhaps, my quarters say?"

She gulped loudly at the suggestion "Ahh yes ok, sounds good and you can call me….."

"Sid, I'm going to call you Sid." He grabbed his armour and headed towards the door. At the last minute he turned "Oh and Sid, if you'd like to replace that plum in your mouth with something equally tasty I think I can oblige." He winked and disappeared through the doors.

She took a deep breath, running her hands over her face, still in a state of shock as to what had just transpired. That Serrice ice brandy sure has some kick she thought. She looked around the med bay, everything seemed to be in order, but she gave the place a quick tidy up anyway. She needn't have worried, Mordin liked to run his shift in the lab so it was unlikely there would be anyone down here until she returned. She smoothed her tussled hair and slightly creased clothing and headed out the door.

"Goodnight Rupert." She called her usual early morning shift greeting to the Mess sergeant.

"Good morning Dr Chakwas." He cheerily returned, she saw that he avoided her gaze when she glanced towards him. Poor Rupert she thought, I'm the one who should be embarrassed.

She headed into the lift and down to the engineering level. Suddenly the memory of a song from her childhood entered her mind. It was the last part of a chorus of a song she remembered as being sung a long time ago by English soldiers. As she entered the starboard cargo area she laughed loudly at her recall.

_Tiddley iddley ighty  
Hurry me home to Blighty,  
Blighty is the place for me!_


End file.
